I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
