i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
