Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
