I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
