i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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