My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
