I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
