I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
