The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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