grandma shit on top of the toilet
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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