weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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