I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
