also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
