Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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