shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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