FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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