Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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