Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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