He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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