Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
