did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
