Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
