Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
