Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
