oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
