I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
