Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We just shotgunned beers for America
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
