Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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