i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sorry my hands just texted you
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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