Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
