I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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