Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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