Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
