Four minutes until I can fart!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
