if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Randomize
