i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
