the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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