and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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