I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
