he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
