omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
