dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
