A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
