I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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