I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
