im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
