I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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