i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
