I can text with my tongue
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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