i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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